superbadgirl | December/You Lose Them Twice (Reply)

Back from family visit. The trip was needed, and was good. Tough. Good. But tough. I spent as much time as I could at my sister's house, visiting with her, my dad and my mom. Anyone who has experienced a loved one succumbing to Alzheimer's or dementia knows this - it is not easy seeing them become other people. Shells and fragments. Bits and pieces. And as difficult as it is for us kids to see it happen, it's my father for whom I feel the most heartbroken. He does not like to speak of it, and when he does he keeps it pretty clinical to safeguard his own emotions. The love of his life is gone already, and he continues to care for the shadow of her. She was the strong one, he says, always the strong one and now it has come to the point she cannot even sit up without help. She calls my sister Laura "Kathy". She mostly remembers my dad, but there have been a spattering of "who is that man?" comments. That is still thankfully infrequent - because though she cannot always name what she is feeling, she IS feeling and she does know on some level that is too nebulous to define. She has pretty bad aphasia often, the word salad sometimes making sense but usually not. A few times my dad seemed like a little boy, seeking help translating what she was trying to tell us. A few times, he came near tears (which is as much as one can expect from a Midwesterner of German heritage - gotta keep it repressed) speaking with me about their daily routines and life. My sister told me she often goes to her room and cries. It's horrendously draining to be caregiver.

As for me, just being with her and sitting was not too bad, but as I was leaving each day, she would say things like, "I don't want you to go." and begged me to promise to come back. On my final visit, she grasped my hands tightly and just said, "Why?" And I know. I know she will not remember that - but in that moment, to know she has missed me was eviscerating.

It is true. With the horrible affliction of dementia, you lose your loved ones twice. My mom is already gone. And now I wait for her to go again and hope, maybe horribly, that it is soon so that she, my father and my sister don't suffer for long.

Anyway. If you read that, sorry. I have spent many days just thinking, thinking.

^My last day was spent with my sister B, who got kittens just before Christmas, after losing their 7 month old kitten to kidney failure. This is Angel. If the defined M on her tabby head is anything to go by, she'll be very full of mischief and mayhem. ;)

^Archie

^This was how I spent my day yesterday. V therapeutic. They kept snuggling up with me instead of their own family. I think because their family is a bit nervous with them since losing their other kitten so horribly. Any little thing makes them anxious. Plus, they're new to the whole cat thing, so they don't know what's normal. Tried to give them some tips, but they'll figure it out. Biggest problem is deterring the kittens from going outside the litterbox. None of mine have ever had that problem except when Pickle "communicates" with me. This is more a "we don't know how to do this yet" problem.

And then today I had breakfast with a friend who told me AFTER: Oh yeah, XX tested positive for COVID and I spent a lot of time with her last week... AND my sister, who was super hyper vigilant a year ago about it casually dropped a, "BTW, my adult son wasn't feeling great on Friday when we were all together and whoops, turns out he has COVID and my teenage daughter feels lousy too!" Which is fine, I suppose. I'm not worried about me, but we all have been at my mom's bedside this weekend and she is extremely fragile! I am irritated by that. None of the sickies masked.

Time to get back into a routine. Thank goodness I have today and tomorrow to recuperate. I'm pretty tired. It's already 3 PM and the only thing I really HAVE to do is laundry, but I haven't managed yet.