These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty

I did all my usual weekend chores yesterday, with the idea today I would get out and do some maintenance to a couple of garden beds out back. Yeahhhhh, uhm. But I did walk 6 miles.

Now I'd really like to go to the grocer's to get a tub of Greek yogurt because I'm fresh out and it's a key component to my protein intake daily, but I'd also really like to take a nap.

Bet you can guess which is going to win.

Recovery at first seemed like it would never fully happen. The first three days are a blur - I continued to work, but there are things that I did which I have no memory of doing. Like, days later I said, "Oh, I have to remember to go do that!" only to find it already done. In one case, I case noted one thing and did the complete opposite in action. It was particularly difficult, as to enter the building I have to go by the area. I still can't look at it without a visceral twist in my gut. I also did a LOT of mindless carb eating... and then mindless walking, walking, walking. Which was self care, but also not because even still I have pangs of illogical, "But what if there's a body?" when I choose a path. I can't seem to help it. Add in random moments of shakiness, tears and to date I have yet to sleep a full night... yeah. The sleep I manage to get is fitful. I do better at home, of course, as I don't have to see or think of it the same way as at work, so I am hoping this extra day off will help me break the restless cycle. But I am no longer a full on zombie, so that's good.

Still do not recommend.

My colleague is doing better as well. She found healing in learning more about the gentleman, but the more I learned about him the worse I felt. He was not unhoused and had, in fact, come to our office to catch some sun with his dog in the summer months. I chatted with him a bit then. He killed his dog. No one in his life suspected a thing. I think knowing those things make it harder, but I don't know why. I do intend on finding a therapist, which was on my to-do list anyway. I've weathered the worst of the trauma, but honestly it's been kind of rough for the past couple of years - mom dying, getting hit by a car twice, having my foster kitty deliver dead babies (seriously, y'all, I still sometimes see that little dead face staring at me from under the futon in the spare room), this thing. Plus my overall disconnected feelings at work and with family. I gotta figure some of this stuff out, and I'm not equipped on my own.


On a more positive note, every year our local paper (which is sadly not even printed here anymore - it shipped up to Washington) has a photo contest. I submitted a random shot I had taken on my lousy cell phone. There weren't many entries this year, so it likely opened the door a crack for me - usually it's littered with people who are clearly professional photographers. Anyway, got notification mine had placed. The email said it was to all - top three, people's choice and honorable mentions. I assume mine is honorable mention, but still - kinda cool.


It was this one.

I just caught Stargate, the movie, on and had it on to half watch while I did other stuff.

Man, young James Spader was a stone cold fox.

Thank you, that is all.

I've always known this about myself: I have a finite length of time to do things which require any precision. Painting, wallpapering, anything that requires measurement and accuracy. In the past, I hit that point and instead of stopping I have barreled ahead to just get whatever it is I'm doing over with as fast as I can. Therefore, accuracy goes out the window. It's dumb. I know this. So, in my THIRD try at laying paver patio I am listening to my inner "fuck this shit" and pausing work when I reach that stage. It's going to take me longer, but the end result will be better.

I know. Kindergarten stuff.

I bring it up because I have recently splurged on that jellyfish lamp, and now face repainting my house. I want to kind of beach it up a little. I have a lot of dark accent pieces that will need to be worked on as well as the wall paint and it's gonna take me 17 years to do it since I can paint for about an hour before I go stark raving bored with it. I want to paint a kind of seafoamy green upstairs, one room downstairs surf blue, and another, which gets lit up by the pink rhody during this time of year when the sun hits it just right, kind of a soft peachy sunset color. Living room perhaps a soft gray with an accent wall. And then I gotta tackle the furniture, most of it garbage anyway but I'm not buying new. And the kitchen door. And...

See, it just keeps going. If you give a mouse a cookie kind of scenario. Heh.

Otherwise. I'm working on stretching and have been for months. Somehow as inflexible as ever despite stretching nearly daily for five months. I feel like this is somehow a metaphor for pretty much my whole existence. I try, but remain rigid about everything. Maybe I should start smoking pot.

I'm also going to tackle some posture issues. I have a decent dowager's hump starting, part of it genetic as my mom definitely was heading that way, but also I just plain have awful posture. Rounded shoulders, hunchiness as my resting point. We'll see if I can actually correct it. I just have to be aware and not let myself get curled over, right? Hmm.

Anyway, here's Hank, my stretch buddy. He seriously will sit on the floor where I usually stretch and stare at me until I join him. He loves it, as he has me all to himself for those few minutes. While he kind of gets in the way, how could I rebuff this fellow?

Last week I had a spring cold. The achy, fevery days were Friday and Saturday. Friday I powered through mowing lawn. Saturday I took ibuprofen and had caffeine, so I somehow finished the lawn, lay down new cover for the greenhouse, edged the front walk BY HAND WITH A UTILITY KNIFE, walked four miles and then decided to pull up the pavers in the ill-constructed patio I built last year. I still regret not listening to both my head and my body then - I should not have done it so soon after getting hit by a car. I was not physically able to do it right, and I knew I had not dug deep enough.

Sunday last was spent flat on my back, ruing the amount of activity I did on Saturday.

Since I started the project and having discovered I have been inadvertently giving my vacation time back to the agency (it caps at 300 hours and I am often near that), I took today off to continue working on the patio redux. In my head, I thought I could pound it out in about 4 hours. Pause here for riotous laughter. I am but a small-statured woman, and though I have been doing strength training, I am not that strong. I did about five hours and got 90%, so there's that. Tomorrow I have to finish up leveling the base the best I can, replacing the gravel and paver base and then the pavers themselves. I'm tired just thinking about it, though of all of it, it's the leveling that makes me most tired. I am no good at it. It'll be better than it was before, but I don't expect perfection.



While I busted my back, Walter soaked up some rays. What a life! He also walked me four miles. I am VERY tired.

Finally got to the bank. In March, I spoke with my auto insurance agent and said, "look, I have been a loyal customer for ages and I do not understand why that and the fact I have an excellent driving record isn't taken into consideration with my rates." I may or may not have accused them of gouging. Because, seriously, I drive my car to and from work, and that's really it for the most part. I should not be spending $100/month. They re-rated and it saved me $50/month. Long story short: had a refund check to deposit. Since receiving that, I also got another "we charged you a copay and we shouldn't have" reimbursement from the local hospital - from a YEAR ago. FOUND MONEY. Yay!

Unfortunately, all but $15 of the auto insurance check will go to the plumber.

Time for a night of lounging.

I know there will be some backsliding with the weather, but right now it is sunny and warm. I mowed the lawn for the first time of the spring season, though it needed it a while ago already. My little mower's battery did not last the entire yard, but I may not have charged it fully. Now I have to finish today, ugh. The plans for the season: resituate my greenhouse, fix patio, add border/trim around house and around trees by house. Transplant lithodora for groundcover from front to back. I've had limited success there. To be honest, I'm tired just thinking about it, because the sinus headaches and drainage have begun in earnest. None of the current allergy meds help anymore, so the head hurts pretty much constantly and I have quite a lot of yuck in my sinuses. The cat allergy really kicks up, too, when the outside allergies encroach. I have started doing some lymphatic massage to help with it, so we'll see if it does anything. It feels nice if nothing else. I think I need to practice technique.



Finally put together a little herb garden kit (sans the cilantro - I have THAT gene) gifted to me. The cats NEVER sit on that window ledge and it gets good afternoon light, so I thought it was a good spot. Haha. The minute I put it up, it was the only place Hank wanted to be. Little turkey.

I think I settled on a window contractor, they came in at nearly $10K lower than the other bid from decent company. I was happy with that, especially since I've done my taxes and got a fairly sizeable kicker from the State; really helps out, though I have saved enough for it already. I am even entertaining the idea of a bay window in the kitchen - imagining it as a small catio for the critters. They love to sit by that window already... We'll see how much it adds to the cost, but it might be worth it anyway. It's a nice little feature.

Well, daylight's burning. Gotta get to it!

I have agreed to go out on Friday night with some folks. All friends and/or people I am friendly with. No big deal. I am fighting every urge I have to make up seventeen different excuses why I have to back out. I don't think extroverts have any actual idea how it is for those of us who are introverted when it comes to social activities. It's not that I don't want to be social. It's not that I don't like people. I just am already exhausted by Friday, and then to have to be "on" for a few more hours? Not as good a time as others think. Heh.

I have been working on my flexibility. Physically. ;) Found a "21 day challenge" and have been doing it. Overall, it's making me feel better, but I can't stretch my shoulders without damaging the right and my lower back is hosed, so some of the stretches have not progressed as much as I would like. The problem with my back could be solved if I'd stop rolling over onto my back in bed. I prefer back sleeping, but my back itself does not. Fortunately, so far if I get out of whack if I try extra hard to side sleep it rights itself. Obviously, I've been doing extra lower back stretching too. Man, aging sucks.

Yesterday when I took a shower, Pickle tried to hop onto the tub between the liner and the curtain to observe as she likes to do. Only she overshot the hop and landed IN the tub with me. Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I took extreme pleasure in the pain of another being. Seriously, I have not laughed so hard at a pet since the time Walter walked himself right into an algae covered pool of water, thinking it was grass and solid ground.

Energy drinks are soda. If it looks like soda and tastes like soda, it's soda. That said, I pick one up when Safeway gives me a free coupon for one and I just had a Reign Storm in flavor Kiwi Blend and it was really good. My metabolism already feels elevated and my immunity boosted! Haha.e J/K, I am already feeling the jolt of caffeine and I'll be up all night but it's Friday so who carrrrrrres.

My colleague is the sort who cannot be alone. She and I are total opposites in the dating realm - I get hurt, I never date again. She dates and dates and dates. I am not saying this in a judgy way, but her entire identity is her relationship of the moment. I never hear her speak about her kids, and at work she is always thinking about, talking about, texting with her man of the day. Well, she broke up last night with her latest paramour and while I think this is sad for her, I don't feel like it was necessary for the whole office to rally around her like she'd just experienced a death. Meow, I guess. She's vivacious and lovely, she will bounce back. It's similar to the way everyone thinks I don't like hugs. Folks, I ADORE them. I just don't think they're always needed or appropriate. Hehe.

That said, I should date. I was in a Zoom meeting today and you all I don't use filters and - I'm adorable. Why I spent so many years of my life not feeling that is a sad, sad mystery. An 80 year man whose dementia is manifesting with sexual fixation propositioned me five times yesterday. Alas, he also told me I wouldn't get anything of his when he dies, as it's already set up to go to his kids. Sugar daddy within grasp and snatched away! J/K. He's clearly very vulnerable to being taken advantage of like that. He'd say yes to anyone. Poor guy. He was precious.

I think the Gaza strip should be evacuated and the entire place razed so no humans can live there. Not even kidding. I'm almost to the point I think both Israel and Hamas need to be wiped off the face of the planet, too. Yes, I realize that comes off as genocidal, but holy sheet, y'all, it's been decades and clearly both sides suck.

My brothers and dad are having a hunting weekend. They shared pics of the 21 beautiful pheasants they bagged and all I could think was, "way to celebrate murder!" LOL, I know. I know. Hunting is necessary. I just don't get the posing for photos with dead creatures thing at all, and never have. Poor birds. Poor delicious birds. My dad NAMES the pheasants during off season and then has no problems shooting them. I can't wrap my head around that, either.

I feel like TPTB in Stargateland really, really hated either the character of Daniel Jackson or his actor in the later years. Wow, they were not subtle. Also, did anyone actually enjoy Stargate Universe? Prime has the 'gates running continuously, I caught a bit of the opening of that and immediately recognized it as produced by people who wanted to be dark and edgy but had never even successfully been light and campy. It was BAD. Pass.

That moment in the mornings, especially, when the cats all shut up and eat their food. Blissful silence, how I appreciate you.

A glass of ice cold water after brushing my teeth.

One part cream cheese, two parts Greek yogurt, cocoa powder to taste, a splash of vanilla, monkfruit sweetener, a couple of chocolate chips or chocolate covered almonds (or both) = an easy and delicious mousse that isn't half bad for you.

Fuzzy fawns that retain some spots, even if they are demolishing my lilac again.

The Miami Vice theme and any new wave 80s music. Yazoo, Depeche Mode, Talking Heads...Prime has MV playing "live" all the time and I've been watching. I was never allowed when it was on, and that's fine. I was too young, but I remember my older sister loving it. She had a "Miami Mice" sweatshirt I would wear so everyone at school thought I was watching just like them. Haha.

A successful garden season, but I will do better next year. Lots of green beans, some radish, dill, plenty of tomatoes, three potatoes I didn't even plant. I am collecting milk jugs to rig up a watering system, as my number one problem is remembering to do that.

I'm happy the office is getting a bit of a facelift, though I disagree with the colors chosen. We got to vote. Bear in mind, the scheme is shades of tan right now, so all the fixed furniture like cabinets and counters are all tan. The new carpet and paint? Black and grey. I'm already twitching. I don't know why people didn't think of that when they voted. I sure did! They are also not doing a couple of the back rooms - the storage room and data room. So they'll be mismatched. I ... I can't handle it. Kind of like how I long for my backyard to be filled with native plants and become a pollinator habitat on the one hand and on the other, every yard I've seen with that is so MESSY and I CAN'T STAND THE MESSY.

Back to the office, the job is being done this coming week, and management insists that we'll all be able to continue working while they are moving cubes to paint and lay carpet. Uhhhh. Nope. I decline to be subjected to the nastiness I know is in the old carpet being tossed into the air. I get headaches easily, and I also value my lungs. I've also no desire to work in the small conference room with four other people, with no privacy and no buffers for sound. One of those people is extremely loud. I begged my boss to let me work from home - which I have never done, not once. I was supposed to when the first wave of the pandemic was happening, but one of my colleagues' spouses insisted she work from home, so I got to stay in the office to keep it manned instead. I didn't mind, I get so distracted by home stuff I don't trust myself to be productive. Anyway, boss agreed. Thank goodness. Even if it means working from only a laptop. At work I have to giant monitors and an ergo keyboard. I can do laptop work for a week, but I'll miss the screens.

My poor colleagues, though. Some of the expectations are ridiculous. When the lobby is closed, they are expected to volunteer to camp outside in case clients come, so they can take messages until someone can do work. It's supposed to be hot this week.

I find the whole thing ridiculous. The project would probably be done faster if we vacated and let the workmen do their thing without having to dance around us. Not to mention, we deal with private data and sometimes personal health info. Sure, let's all keep working while strangers are right there. Not kidding, one of the vendors was all, "Is this kosher? Don't you guys deal with government stuff?" The VENDOR knows, but our management - nah, it's no worries! Oy vey.

Anyway. Hi. Can you believe August is half over? I've just been out trying to eradicate yellow woodsorrel which has overtaken my front landscaping and is making its way elsewhere. Insidious nasty stuff. Every time you try to pluck it, it pops and disperses more seeds. I have no idea if Preen will work on it, but here's hoping. It took me two hours to yank it all out, after trying to kill it with vinegar.

I put in a paver patio out back, don't remember if I mentioned. I have some regrets. I did it like four days after getting hit by a car, so I didn't go with my gut and dig another inch, and wasn't as careful as I should have been with leveling. I attribute that to just wanting to get it done. So, I am thinking I will need to tear out and re-do. Was going to this weekend, but it's getting toasty. I'd rather not get heat stroke. Maybe I'll see how it winters and then do it in the spring when the ground is softer to dig...until then I've ordered a rug to cover up my sins. Ordered a couple of Adirondack chairs. I have other stuff I want to do - get some plants, etc. And see about getting a catio built. I am soooooo very close to my target "when you get to this amound in savings, you can get new windows". If only inflation hasn't probably doubled my estimated cost for that project. Ugh. The patio, catio and windows are all linked in my mind. Patio to put the catio on, windows for better egress. Current windows are awning style and I hate them. Can't get good airflow. Screens are crusty and old, and hard to find replacements, etc. Never mind that to get out of them in case of emergency/other exits blocked, I would have to break them and climb higher than I think I can.

The other day W and I were casually strolling along when this cat just charged at us. Like, seriously, he wanted to rip Walter's throat out. Adorable little assassin! Good thing there was a fence. He looks a lot like my childhood cat, Poopsie.



Okay, byeeeee! Hope everyone is well.