superbadgirl (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
superbadgirl) wrote2025-01-08 11:23 am
superbadgirl) wrote2025-01-08 11:23 am
Entry tags:
Unexpected trauma
Just need to get this out somewhere. Given that I just had a client take it upon himself to die with dignity last month, I think this has rattled me more than it could have. This morning, I was standing in the office facing the exterior wall, which has windows all the way around. I saw a colleague outside on her phone, and she looked very distraught. She caught my eye and looked the direction of the parking lot. I went outside to see what was going on, she started walking away so I called out to ask if she was okay. She remained on the phone, and I assumed maybe it was a personal call and I started to go back in. Then she called my name, then I went to her. She motioned at the little cordoned off area of the parking lot that holds our garbage/recycle bins.
But I saw first the blood.
A gentleman had, overnight, moved out one of the garbage bins, tucked himself behind it and shot himself in the head. He knew he would be found easily, had left his ID plainly on his chest. Suicide note was in his pocket, per the sheriff. He was an unhoused person, likely resided in an encampment not too far from our office, likely a client.
That wasn't ... It's not the first time I have experienced unexpected death, but it is the first time it's been traumatic in this way. My coworker had to deal with the worst of it, as 911 dispatch always has the person who finds someone in this situation approach to see if aid needs rendering. Personally, while I get the reasoning for that, that's just extra trauma that shouldn't be on regular people who don't have to see/deal/have training for this stuff. She did that, while I kept my colleagues all from coming over as well. There was no need for everyone to see it. I can't UNsee it.
I tried to stay at work, but I could not. Everything was too loud, and people were making me so angry for no reason (though hanging out in my work space to gawk at the goings on, and calling out a play by play was a bit much) so I know I wasn't regulating my emotions well. What a day.
Hugs.
But I saw first the blood.
A gentleman had, overnight, moved out one of the garbage bins, tucked himself behind it and shot himself in the head. He knew he would be found easily, had left his ID plainly on his chest. Suicide note was in his pocket, per the sheriff. He was an unhoused person, likely resided in an encampment not too far from our office, likely a client.
That wasn't ... It's not the first time I have experienced unexpected death, but it is the first time it's been traumatic in this way. My coworker had to deal with the worst of it, as 911 dispatch always has the person who finds someone in this situation approach to see if aid needs rendering. Personally, while I get the reasoning for that, that's just extra trauma that shouldn't be on regular people who don't have to see/deal/have training for this stuff. She did that, while I kept my colleagues all from coming over as well. There was no need for everyone to see it. I can't UNsee it.
I tried to stay at work, but I could not. Everything was too loud, and people were making me so angry for no reason (though hanging out in my work space to gawk at the goings on, and calling out a play by play was a bit much) so I know I wasn't regulating my emotions well. What a day.
Hugs.